Greetings All,

This post is a reminder that we already have the answers to our significant relationships. This was a post Lynn and I shared on my blog over 15 years ago. We read this yesterday after a bit of an argument and were blown away by how applicable to our current state. Read on.

BLOG POST FROM 15 YEARS AGO:

• A special treat for this week. We have a guest author who will be adding her perspective to the proceedings. This week Lynn (my wife) and I decided to break down our latest marital discord from both our perspectives to add to the fun and enjoyment.  Her comments are included in italics and when she is writing her comments I still inserted my opinion in parenthesis. Lets go!

Let me begin with the end. Yesterday we sat down in the morning and cleared the air for 90 minutes. The discussion was certainly not planned and can only be described as messy. However, the clarity that came with it was outstanding. Here’s how we got to that moment.

The last several months, for me, have been extremely stressful. I have not been this stressed about work for many, many years. The net result is that all my energy has gone into trying to deal with work, and when not working, trying to manage my emotions to avoid negatively impacting the family. Inside I felt depressed and just wanted to be left alone.

However, I noticed my family was not all that happy with my withdrawal. Specifically, I noticed Lynn seemed to be angry at me in subtle ways. I did my best to let her vent her frustration telling myself she had a right to be unhappy. I attempted to let her be mad while simultaneously stuffing my own frustrations. I was unaware that my resentment was growing.

As last week unfolded, we were bickering more and more about anything. Our complaints came from everywhere but can best be summed up by the following two general statements:

You need to do more work around the house. (her complaint)

You speak to me with frustrated tones. (my complaint).

It came to a head Friday. We bickered and said our good nights.  Here were my last words of the night: “I guess I am just a f***ing a**hole then.”

And her sweet nothings were something like “Maybe we should just stay away from each other.”

The good life.

We awoke the next morning each firmly entrenched in our own camp of righteousness and victimhood. After a few more barbs tossed at each other we sat down to try and talk. After 90 minutes we got to the root of the problem and were able to work our way through it. It was a reminder for us both that the argument you are having is almost never the argument you should have.  Here is Lynn’s perspective, in italics, with some of my comments in parenthesis added for my own amusement.

Lynn’s insights: Aren’t relationships fascinating to witness? It’s all in the perspective. When we are entrenched in the emotion of an experience, we obviously tend to be swayed by that emotion and often can’t think beyond that feeling. When we can step back and look at the experience objectively and intellectually, we often get a whole different perspective. The emotions are often so strong that they can prevent us from seeing a situation clearly.

Last night, a friend was telling me about her daughter’s soccer coach. At a team meeting he told the parents, “If you have an issue with how I conduct myself as a coach during a game or practice, wait 24 hours before approaching me.” Wow. Think of how many fights could be prevented if we waited 24 hours before discussing an issue with our spouse, our child, or our boss. The emotion will most likely dissipate, though still be present, and we can more accurately assess our own personal motivation or appeal. Intellect is able to surface and work in conjunction with the emotions. From that place, a more truthful and honest space can be achieved.

I have noticed that Tim is like an emotional drug for me. When he’s happy, I feed off him. That man can truly light up a room. When he’s not, I experience an emotional withdrawal.  Yep…co-dependency. But the first step in releasing anything is awareness, and that is what I am working on.  My approach of late has been to give him space when he is ‘in a mood’ to not follow him into his emotional depths, and to be accountable for my own emotions. 

So here’s the emotional and intellectual tangle. Set stage of yesterday: Tim is ‘in a mood’ and has been for a while (like most of my 40’s). Initial stance of my emotions: I am pissed off at him. I am not feeling good around him. I am feeling withdrawal of the ‘Tim drug’ (fyi – ‘Tim Drug’ is available for purchase). Initial stance of my intellect: He is not meeting my needs. He is not helping out around the house. He said something 2 weeks ago that felt callous. I’m grasping for anything right now to express the anger I am feeling.

1 ½ hours later….after splicing and dicing through every feeling (and dish) and thought we had both been experiencing we FINALLY got to the moment of clarity. The eventual stance of my emotions working hand-in-hand with my intellect: I love to be in love with my husband. My anger at falling temporarily ‘out of love’ is just a signal that something needs to be looked at. It serves no purpose to blame him, but to look at what is underneath. When I begin nit-picking on inconsequential things it is time to dig deep to figure out the root cause.

My realization yesterday – it’s not that Tim didn’t do the dishes last week (or any week) or didn’t give me a kiss before work….it’s that I MISS HIM. But it’s up to me to

1) deal with my emotions around it.

2) try to accurately express my truthful thoughts and feelings to him.

But it took an hour and a half of tears and difficult conversation to get there….for my emotions and my intellect to effectively work together. 

Amazing how much time, honesty and commitment a relationship requires. It’s incredible that of any of us stay together. But it seems that if we put in the time and are willing to look at ourselves with fairness and honesty, we can reach a place of co-creativity, unconditional love and happiness. And then only to fall off of that place….and then reach it again….and then fall off once more. The Spiral of Life. Challenging at times…but it sure is worth it. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Now back to Tim in the newsroom.

So there you have it. First-off, you can see who has the brains in the family.  As for me, I felt like I had been carrying around a 50 pound weight for weeks. I thought I understood Lynn’s frustration and it didn’t bother me, but it did. I felt stressed and TIRED.  But during our talk I was able to unburden myself of many of the negative emotions I had been carrying around. After the talk I had so much more physical energy.  It was surprising to think of how much of my mood and energy was tied into holding in my emotions. I KNOW THIS yet still forget it over and over again. The universe hates a slow student.

The stuff we argued about for weeks will always be there. There will always be dirty dishes, flirting neighbors, insensitive comments and so on but that’s not what makes people unhappy with each other. It’s deeper than that and to get to it requires time, effort and a willingness to feel the difficult feelings. 

I’d like to write more but I have dishes to wash!